14 years ago...

14 years ago today, I was pregnant with my first child.

The nursery was decorated in pink and white. The baby bed was set up and waiting for it's new arrival. Pretty little dresses hung neatly in the closet. A stack of tiny diapers sat on a changing table beside a rocking chair. Everything was in place. Ready for the day Ashley Rain made her debut.

November 18th 1998.

I woke up spotting. I took Ashley's father to work and then drove myself to the hospital to be checked. I was 38 weeks pregnant so was excited at the possibility of finally meeting this tiny baby. I was admitted into the labor and delivery unit and was confirmed to be in labor. I was hooked up to monitors and given an epidural. I had absolutely no pain. Everything seemed to be progressing normally. Finally that evening, the dr came to deliver my first child. The labor went fine. The delivery seemed to go fine. But instead of giving her to me, the doctor quickly passed her off to a nurse who whisked her out of the room.

This was the moment that changed my life forever.

I kept asking for my baby.

I was told, "She's ok, just having a little trouble breathing."

After what seemed like hours, the dr finally came back in the room and informed me that my daughter had something wrong with her nasal cavities. They were transferring her to Birmingham to a NICU immediately.

The worst news any mother can receive.

I was just barely 20 years old.

I was so inexperienced at life.

I was so niave.

Ashley never got to come home. That was the last time she was ever in my hometown.

That was the last time some members of my family ever saw her alive.

November 18, 2012 would have been her 14th birthday.

Sometimes life isn't fair. But we learn from our trials. We learn how strong we can be. Even in weakness, we can find strength.

My storm isn't over. By far.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. Miss her. Wonder how my life would be now if she had been born healthy or even if she had just lived a little longer. All the "what ifs"....

The thing is, you have to learn to adapt to living in the storm. Every once in a while, the sun breaks through the storm clouds. Every once in a while, a rainbow shines through.