For my Friends...

Weird-o

Yeah, I'm the girl who can pull off wearing crazy hats, coloring my hair random color, and act like a fool. And you STILL want to hang with me cuz I'm just that cool!  Mostly b/c I just don't care what anyone thinks. I do what I want b/c you only live once - might as well have fun!

TOTALLY made me want a little lamb... ;)

Pray for us!!!

Today I have a meeting. Husband and I have found the "perfect" home for us and our new addition...Only thing is my credit is bad, His has none. So, I am meeting with someone today to see if they will co-sign with us. Lord, PLEASE grant us favor!!! So everyone, please be praying for me today. I hate asking anybody to help me with anything so this is very difficult for me.

Wow

Wow. That's really all I can say right now. I'm so utterly dumbfounded by your reaction. I can't believe you would rather throw away our friendship than to take a little bit of criticism and correction. And it wasn't even me that was correcting you. Yet, I'm the one left in the end holding all the pieces. And I'm the one that's made to feel like a horrible person just because things weren't done the way they needed to be done. None of it, really, has anything to do with me. Except the hurt when you blamed me for it all. I did not betray you in any sense. I have a job to do and I try to do it to the best of my ability. What happened with you didn't even have anything to do with me. I just happen to the be the scapegoat, I suppose. I guess our friendship didn't mean that much to you. I should have known better, I guess. Stupid me. I'm irritated at how childish and irrational this whole situation has become when it could have been handled with maturity and dignity. But whatever. If you want to throw it all away, I guess you have that right. I just don't think it's fair that you blame me for it. That's all. So I guess this is goodbye.

AWESOME new way to Clean your toilet

How to clean your toilet


This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up

And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.




2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.



3.. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid.


4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.


5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.



6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.


7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.



8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
And run outside where he will dry himself off.



9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean..

Sincerely,

The Dog

BUGS!

This was a random video I found on the web. It's kindof weird but it goes along with our theme today --- BUGS



Olivia had bad dreams about bugs. Then went to the bathroom to use the potty and there was one floating in there. SIGH.

My Random Mind

Betty White



She's awesome- I loved her on Golden Girls but the more I see her in movies, the more I realize what an amazingly talented woman she is. She is so funny!

Health Care Plan - Ok, so what does this new Heath Care Plan mean? I have heard all the legal mubo jumbo and don't understand a word of it. Can ANYONE break it down in plain english? I don't think so...

New Moon - just watched New Moon last night (yes, again) and I am so excited about Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. Having read all the books makes it that much harder to wait. UGH!

Sleep - Did NOT sleep well last night. Kept waking up. It was crazy. Maybe I'm getting prepared for when Elijah gets here... lol....

Cravings - My number one craving right now is Tomatos!!! I stopped and got some on the way home and forgot to bring one to work with me. AGH! Oh well, juicy, red, plump tomatos... mmmm.....

OK, I think that's all on my mind. I think i have it empty now - hah - leave me comments, send me messages, they are always appreciated. AND FOLLOW ME ON BLOGGER.COM. :)

We're having a..........

Well, my blogger friends, we just left the doctor's office. Had a great visit. Got to ask all my questions that I was freaking out about concerning the c-section and feel somewhat reassured. Still not looking forward to it but suppose it's a necessary evil. My prob with not realizing I'm in labor until about 7 centimeters may be an issue but not going to (or TRY not to) stress about that right now. They checked my weight and I thought I had gain like a massive amount of weight. Turns out I LOST 2 pounds. Must say I was tickled about that but my belly is so big that even my maternity pants are too tight (What's up with THAT??). So, not sure WHERE I lost the weight or if maybe their scales are just broken but either way doctor told me not to worry about weight until after I have baby so :)
SOOOOO here's the topic that everyone is asking about. Are we having a GIRL or a BOY??? Had THE SONOGRAM today. You know, the "big" one where they make sure baby has all his/her fingers and toes and the heart rate is good. She let us see the heart beat which was 135 - kind of low for a baby but still normal. Just gonna have a laid back baby (PLEASE LORD!!!). Then she looked at the legs, they were great little legs with little feet on the end. The baby is head down (already???) and at one point the sonogram lady and the baby decided to both push from opposites sides. Baby's knees against Sono Probe - OUCH! I was like wow - that hurt and she said, well, the baby's knees are there so that's why. Hm. Kindof freaked me out a little b/c I have never felt like the baby's bones protruding into my flesh this early. But ok. So, we got down to the topic at hand. She looked and said, I know what it is. We were like What, What? Tell US! And she said You see those two little lines? And we were like, uh, sure, okay. She said It's a boy!!! =) I was like Are you SURE?!? (B/c we REALLY wanted a boy and I didn't want to get all excited - I mean, I would have loved a girl too but I already have my little girl and honestly, I'm not sure she would be willing to share the spotlight...) So anyway, she said it was DEFINITELY 100% a boy. She showed us his little wee wee and everything. He just laid there chillin and relaxing. So we already  had names picked out either way. The girl name we had chosen was Isabella Rain (just for you all who want ideas for your future kids :]) but this baby will be Elijah Rain Martin. We will call him Eli for short. =) Roger was crying the whole time after he heard it was a boy. He is ecstatic! SOOOOO..... Now ..... Who's going to throw me a baby shower???? =)

Oh. My. Gosh. VULGARNESS

I just finished looking through the book It's Perfectly Normal by Robie H. Haris. This book is designed for children ages 10 and up to inform them about their bodies and sex. Wow. This was the most vulgar book I have EVER read in my life. I felt like I had just finished looking at a Hustler magazine. And THIS book is aimed at my CHILD??? I. Don't. Think. So. At one point the book says that sometimes boys touch other boys and girls touch other girls and that this was perfectly normal. Um. NO! IT'S NOT! I am SHOCKED. I can NOT BELIEVE this book exists - wait, yes I can because we live in a society where it's okay for kids to be having sex and it doesn't matter who you have sex with. Just as long as it "feels good". I am disgusted. Really. I don't even know what to say other than I will NEVER EVER buy anything from this author. I'm appalled. Ok, so now that we are all clear on how I feel... lol... I just had to share this. Please leave your comments. Eager to know what YOU think about a book like this.

Fluttering

I have started feeling the baby moving. Finally. Feels like I literally have a butterfly flying around in my womb. Or a small bird. Been thinking about Ashley more and more lately. Suppose its in relation to this pregnancy. Got good news - all the pictures of her that I thought was lost forever, may not be! A friend of a friend (i know i know) thinks she knows where they are and is planning on getting them to me. Praise The Lord! I miss her terribly. It's difficult out living your child. It makes you "different". A part of you doesn't want to be different but you get upset when people forget to count that child when talking about how many children you have or whatever. It makes me angry like, How can you forget Ashley? She was amazing and beautiful and strong. She was inspiring. I find myself complaining often but Ashley never really even whimpered except a handful of times in her 7 months. Usually just because she was hungry. But not when she was recovering from her many many surgeries, not when she was on the ventilator, not when they did a spinal tap, just when she was hungry. To have that kind of strength to not complain because you're uncomfortable amazes me. But she was an amazing child. I still am in disbelief that God chose ME to have her. I wonder if I will see her in heaven? Will I recognize her? Will she love me as her mother? I miss her so much. Do I hold a piece of myself back from everyone because I am so wounded from that loss? I think I do. Even my children. There's a piece of me that's just her's, you know? Because I will never be that person I was when I had her again. The innocence is gone. *sigh* This did not turn out to be a happy blog but I guess I needed to get it off my chest. I miss her. I just want to hold her again. Lord, help me.

New Additions to My Blog

If you will look on the right hand side of my blog, you will see I have added two new gadgets. One is an option to subscribe to my blog without having to come on here and check it. Cuz you know I'm sooooooo interesting - HA!
The other gadget is to help raise money for cancer research. Those of you who know me know I am now battling cervical cancer for the second time. I say battle though really my battle is so much easier than most people who have cancer. I do have to have a hysterectomy after I have this child at the young age of only 32. My first experience was not as non-invasive as this time has been though the treatment (major surgery) is more drastic. So help us find a cure if not find a prevention for cancer. Click on the link and help Stand Up to Cancer!

Thanks everyone.

This song reminds me of someone....

Keep the lies up darling you're keeping all the boys interested because what really lies inside isn't worth the time

You're the prince with stained words painting pictures that don't fit scenes who cares when you had the crowd you always loved the ovations

You were always an addict for dramatics
You were always an addict
But it all fades as the curtain drops and now you're stuck back stage with every backdrop you ever created
You were always an addict

[CHORUS:]

And now you crash through stage exits running down allies that fit you but your following isn't living up to its name cause your crowd is still lost in the stage lights you left behind

Cause princess outside the theater you're hardly worth their time you're hardly worth their time

Rain

It's raining outside. Fitting. Today has been a crazy day. Our road was literally flooded. My son was hit in the head with an umbrella at school by a classmate. My husband is very sick. *sigh* Trying to blog more so as to build up my followers.

Thoughts for the day:

Pregnancy -- Am I big enough to be 17 weeks? Why don't I feel the baby moving yet? Is this normal? Is that normal? Some days I wake up and forget I'm pregnant. Is THAT normal? What is Normal? The miscarriage has got me really messed up and fearful. I over analyze every twinge of pain or discomfort. I know that can't be normal.
Ashley - Miss her so much. Daughter helps bring comfort. Both of my children are amazing and I am so thankful for them. They are not your normal kids either. To know them is to be astonished.
Friends - Come and Go. Some that I thought were so close, have disappeared b/c i no longer fit into their "lifestyle". Other than husband, wonder if I will ever have a best friend. A true friend. Maybe it's me. I am a loner by nature and people in general get on my nerves. Crazy how I envy people who are always surrounded by lots of friends having a great time yet I don't want to be there amongst the people. I would rather spend time by myself or with husband or kids. I'm a dork.
Family - Brother and I are getting closer. Other Brother and I have a unique relationship. We are close tho we don't have to talk all the time. He's  a lot like me. Loner. Sister - Relationship has been repaired as far as I know. It's awesome. Other Sister - hear from her very rarely. Wouldn't say we are necessarily close though it's possible she also is a loner. Who knows. Mother - just don't have the energy. Father (Bio) - Don't have the desire Father - Love him. Always there for me when I need him but doesn't try to push him self on me when I don't.
Husband - AMAZING. Even sick. He is my dream guy and I don't mean that lightly. My soul mate. God made this man for me. I don't always agree with him but he is truly amazing. I love him so much and am so thankful for him.

Ashley

I really miss Ashley today. It has been really hard the last few days. I don't know if it's because I'm pregnant or what but all I can think about is how small and helpless she was and all the pain and suffering she went through. How scared she must have been. I miss her and I wish I could do something to touch her but she's gone so there isn't anything I can do and it's so hard. It's so hard to be the mother of a child who suffered and passed away because there is nothing mommy can do to make it better and that's what mommies are supposed to do, right?

When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands and watch you rise
Chorus

Spread you wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly (Oooh)
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be, so spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
Verse 2

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you're
Ready to land
Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly (Oooh)
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me, we truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly (spread your wings and fly)
Butterfly (butterfly)
Bridge

I can't pretend these tears
Aren't overflowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye (stand and say goodbye)
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly
Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly (Oooh)
Fly abandonedly into the sun (fly to the sun)
If you should return to me (I will know you're mine)
We truly were meant to be (spread your wings and fly)
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly (my butterfly)
Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be (you and I)
So spread your wings and fly (spread your wings and fly)
Butterfly
So flutter through the sky
Butterfly
Fly
Spread your wings and fly
Butterfly.

PAIN

[Written on March 4th, 2010]
  1 Corinthians 9:22
       "To the weak I became weak to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means, I might save some."

   This is the verse that came up when I googled bible verses on compassion. I've been feeling so many different feelings lately. Yesterday I felt a lot of bitterness. Today I feel sorrow. I miss Ashley so much. All these emotions come back to the same underlying emotion: PAIN
   I don't how to let it go - honestly don't know if I want to. The PAIN has been a part of my life, a part of who I am for so long. It's like people expect me to be this wounded animal and I don't know how to be anything else nor am I sure I want to be. God, You try to comfort me but I can't (or won't) let You. Am I afraid? If so, what of? It's not forgetting her because that is something I'm already facing. And what about the other pain? The pain from the abuse? Why can't I let that go? I think it's because I feel justified in that pain. That I somehow earned the right to be angry from the pain and miserary so if I let the pain go, I will have to let the anger go and a part of me wants revenge! To see him done like I was. So Lord, what now?

ANGER vs. BITTERNESS vs. PAIN

[Written on March 3rd, 2010]
  Last night we read some verses (in Psalm and Ephesians) and they really spoke to me. THey dealt with anger which I seem to have a lot of. But HOW do you let go of anger??? Here are the verses:
     "And put on the new nature (the regenerate self) created in God's image, in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore, rejecting all falsity and being done now with it, let everyone express the truth with his neighbor, for we are all parts of one body and members one of another. When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down. Leave no [such] room or foothold for the devil [give no opportunity to him]." Ephesians 4:24-24
    "Be angry and sin not; commune with your own hearts upon your beds and be silent (sorry for the things you say in your heart) Selah [pause, and calmly think of that}" Psalm 4:4
   Okay so I understand it's OK to get angry - the key seems to be to CONTROL your anger and to release it. But I don't even know why I'm angry sometimes. I seem to have a chip on my shoulder.
   Sometimes I feel like I have good reason to be angry BUT that would be dwelling on the past and doing that accomplishes absolutely nothing. Maybe my anger is a result of bitterness. I am very bitter to events, memories, and people. So if that's the case, I need to learn how to LET GO of the bitterness.
  So Lord - I need Your help! I need You to guide me and help me to let go of the 1) anger 2) bitterness and look like 3) pain. Only You can do it because I just don't know how. I'm so sick of myself and my selfishness. I want to be like Jesus and be a light for the world to see. I want to have that gentle and quiet spirit that always seems to be just out of my reach. But it's not out of Yours. Help Me Lord. ~Amen~