Fluttering

I have started feeling the baby moving. Finally. Feels like I literally have a butterfly flying around in my womb. Or a small bird. Been thinking about Ashley more and more lately. Suppose its in relation to this pregnancy. Got good news - all the pictures of her that I thought was lost forever, may not be! A friend of a friend (i know i know) thinks she knows where they are and is planning on getting them to me. Praise The Lord! I miss her terribly. It's difficult out living your child. It makes you "different". A part of you doesn't want to be different but you get upset when people forget to count that child when talking about how many children you have or whatever. It makes me angry like, How can you forget Ashley? She was amazing and beautiful and strong. She was inspiring. I find myself complaining often but Ashley never really even whimpered except a handful of times in her 7 months. Usually just because she was hungry. But not when she was recovering from her many many surgeries, not when she was on the ventilator, not when they did a spinal tap, just when she was hungry. To have that kind of strength to not complain because you're uncomfortable amazes me. But she was an amazing child. I still am in disbelief that God chose ME to have her. I wonder if I will see her in heaven? Will I recognize her? Will she love me as her mother? I miss her so much. Do I hold a piece of myself back from everyone because I am so wounded from that loss? I think I do. Even my children. There's a piece of me that's just her's, you know? Because I will never be that person I was when I had her again. The innocence is gone. *sigh* This did not turn out to be a happy blog but I guess I needed to get it off my chest. I miss her. I just want to hold her again. Lord, help me.