PAIN

[Written on March 4th, 2010]
  1 Corinthians 9:22
       "To the weak I became weak to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means, I might save some."

   This is the verse that came up when I googled bible verses on compassion. I've been feeling so many different feelings lately. Yesterday I felt a lot of bitterness. Today I feel sorrow. I miss Ashley so much. All these emotions come back to the same underlying emotion: PAIN
   I don't how to let it go - honestly don't know if I want to. The PAIN has been a part of my life, a part of who I am for so long. It's like people expect me to be this wounded animal and I don't know how to be anything else nor am I sure I want to be. God, You try to comfort me but I can't (or won't) let You. Am I afraid? If so, what of? It's not forgetting her because that is something I'm already facing. And what about the other pain? The pain from the abuse? Why can't I let that go? I think it's because I feel justified in that pain. That I somehow earned the right to be angry from the pain and miserary so if I let the pain go, I will have to let the anger go and a part of me wants revenge! To see him done like I was. So Lord, what now?