baby ticker - almost done!!!

Random Thoughts

~ It was brought to my attention that I "don't reach out" to people. I never thought about this before but it is true. I am a very private person who doesn't like reaching out to others. I tend to push them away. Husband told me he was impressed b/c I was reaching out to one person in particular and how uncommon that was for me. I wonder why I'm like that? Any ideas?


~ A friend gave me a guinea pig. It promptly passed away the next day. Sometimes I feel like the angel of death. I had such a guilt complex over it b/c it was a new friend of mine and this had been a dear pet to her and her children and now I felt like I was somehow responsible for the death of this animal. Even though I know rationally I didn't do anything wrong, I still feel guilty. :/


~ Exhausted. What more is there to say. I'm so tired. I feel like an alien has taken control over my body and I can't do anything like I used to could (like bend over to paint my toenails...). Sighhhhhhhhh

Niki Niki - I mean, Moto Moto....

This is like the soundtrack that plays when I am trying to get up out of a chair, trying to walk across a parking lot - or pretty much all the time... lol....

i hate death.

i hate death. i hate the arrogant way it creeps into ur life and tries to consume every waking moment, every aspect. i hate the way it rips someone or something u love away usually without even the chance to say goodbye. i hate the way it lingers on even after the fact, trying to steal every little ounce of happiness u attempt to grasp onto. i hate the way it makes ur life seem to become frozen in a moment of time, how it changes ur aspect of life to before death came and after death came. it seems to mock u when u think u have finally achieved triumph over it. it always finds a way to sneak back in, to bring up things u could've, should've done differently. i hate death.

Weep.

The Weeping Willow. I have always loved this particular type of tree. The name itself makes you think of emotions and possible story lines of how it was so appropriately named. It's long wavy branches almost reach out to comfort you and hide you behind it's curtain.

The Weeping Willow comes to mind today because my "bess fran"s brother passed away last night. He was a young man. They suspect it had something to do with his diabetes. But wow. The pain that family is going through. It breaks my heart. I have never lost a sibling so I don't try to pretend to know the sorrow she feels. I lost my child so I can only imagine that it is a similar type of pain.


This family is in my thoughts and prayers. Please join me in praying for them as they go through this difficult time.

Belly

Can I POSSIBLY get ANY bigger???? This is what I see when I look down. I'm sure at one point in time I had feet. And they were probably cute and had some funky nail polish on my little toe nails... If anyone sees my feet, please let me know. I miss them....

read this.

whole article was taken from http://crimsonmaverick.blogspot.com/2009/05/beautiful-bride.html

 

A beautiful bride  

Signed, sealed & delivered by Rachel 倪欣薇

May 15,
2009

Something worth reading despite exams time :


Katie Kirkpatrick, 21, held off cancer to celebrate the happiest day of her life. Katie had chased cancer, once only to have it return-to clog her lungs and grab hold of her heart. Breathing was difficult now, she had to use oxygen. The pain in her back was so intense it broke through the morphine that was supposed to act as a shield. Her organs were shutting down but it would not stop her from marrying Nick Godwin, 23, who was in love with Katie since 11th grade.

The girl in the picture is Katie Kirkpatrick, she is 21. Next to her, her fiancé, Nick, 23.
The picture was taken shortly before their wedding ceremony, held on January 11, 2005 in the US.
Katie has terminal cancer and spend hours a day receiving medication.
In the picture, Nick is waiting for her on one of the many sessions of chemo to end.

In spite of all the pain, organ failures, and morphine shots, Katie is going along with her wedding and took care of every detail. The dress had to be adjusted a few times due to her constant weight loss.

And unusual accessory at the party was the oxygen tube that Katie used throughout the ceremony and reception as well.
The other couple in the picture are Nick's parents. Excited to see her son marrying his high school sweetheart.
Katie, in her wheelchair with the oxygen tube, listening to a song from her husband and friends.
At the reception, Katie had to take a few rests. The pain did not let her stand up for long periods.

Katie died five days after her wedding day.

Watching a woman so ill and weak yet getting married with a smile on her face makes us think..... Happiness is reachable, no matter how long it last. We should stop making our lives complicated.

Life is not always the party we expected to be
but as long as we are here, we should smile and be grateful.

God bless us in many ways which our human eyes are just too blind to see. We may question why He took her away at such a young age (a mere 21 years old beautiful woman, mind you, just a year older than I am right now).
But then again, He gave her the most priceless thing ever - Love. A husband. Family. Comfort. Peace. Joy. Positivity.

This actually got me through a short tough period I experienced lately.
If she can get her happiness as simple as that, why can't we?

How are you?

To all the people who ask me ever so politely "how are you?"

Do you really want to know?

I'm exhausted. I am physically drained. Emotionally absent.

My belly hurts, my back hurts, my gallbladder hurts. My feet are swollen and restless.

I want to sleep, I want to soak in a hot tub.

I am stressed about the park, stressed about the shower, stressed about everything.

I feel like I am no longer in control of my life or my body and I do not like it.

I am looking forward to this baby. I am reassured by his movements. I am proud of my size but do NOT like the stretch marks.

Thank God for this precious child. But Lord, please help me get through the next few weeks... I need Your strength. Amen.

Ashley's Story.

This is a picture of Ashley Rain Deloach. Ashley was my firstborn child. She was a beautiful baby girl born on Nov 18, 1998. I was a young and naive first time mother with out a clue of the real world. I had had a pretty uneventful pregnancy other than it being a "crises" pregnancy (meaning I was unmarried and it was unplanned and I lived in a bad situation). I was barely 20 years old when she was born. I went to the hospital in the city where I lived on Nov 18th, 1998 at around 8 am with the beginning of labor. In reality, I probably wasn't even in true labor but I was 38 weeks pregnant so the doctor decided to give me some pitocin to start the labor. I received an epidural so I felt absolutely no pain at all with the labor. At around 8:00 that night, my world was turned upside down. Ashley was born but was not crying, was not breathing. She was immediately whisked out of the delivery room and I was left not knowing what was going on. A couple of times, family members would come in and tell me "she's just having a little trouble breathing..." Finally, after what seemed an eternity, the ancient pediatrician came in. I am so thankful to God that he was there that day. He had the experience and wisdom to know immediately that all was not well and the wisdom of how to relay that message to me. He told me about her choanal atresia which basically meant she couldn't breathe out of her nose. The pediatrician than informed me that this usually a sign of more defects. He told me that because our hospital was a small hospital, they were not equipped to care for her to the level of care she would require and would need to be transferred to a larger city hospital. I was able to see her for just a second before she was transferred to St. Vincent's hospital. I received a call from the neonatologist in what seemed like the middle of the night. He informed me that upon physical examination, they had discovered many more abnormalities. To look at this baby girl, you would never suspect she had anything wrong with her. But upon closer observation, her ears were slightly deformed, her neck was shorter than normal, her hands were shaped abnormally (though they looked normal to me...) as well as other issues. When she was around a day or so of age, a surgeon went in to attempt to repair her choanal atresia. He warned us that the surgery may very well have to be repeated, as the bone could grow back up closed. We were still waiting to hear if she had any heart defects at this time. I went to a hotel that night and remember getting the call from I assume a cardiologist though it may have been the neonatologist again. I was informed that she not only had a heart defect, but that she had two major heart defects, Tetralogy of Fallot and Pulmonary Atresia. I cried so much that night that when I woke up my eyes were swollen shut. I was devastated. The next few months, my life became the NICU. She was transferred to another hospital that I will not name for their own protection. She was transferred there because her heart defects became more and more serious. She did not receive as high quality of care there that she has received at the previous hospital. As a result of their negligence, she ended up getting a staff infection that turned her overall health condition into life threatening. She did have a heart cath while at that hospital to determine treatment possibilities for her heart conditions. We were told if her heart arteries grew, we would be able to repair the pulmonary atresia which was the most life threatening of the two conditions.When the staff infection became severe, she was transferred to our favorite of the three hospitals, Children's Hospital in Birmingham, Alabama. She not only received quality care, but the staff consistently went above and beyond the call of duty. She had to have a spinal tap her first day there to see if the infection had spread to her spinal fluid. Thankfully, it had not. She was placed in an isolation room but the nurses always made sure she was clean, dressed and had colorful things to look at. It was there we discovered she had Coloboma. All the different defects together created a syndrome known as CHARGE syndrome or association. The link to their official website is here. Her coloboma was not a severe case though it didn't affect her eyesight a little bit. Her hearing was a whole other matter. I always suspected she was profoundly deaf. She wouldn't respond to my voice or to loud noises like babies usually do and most children who are diagnosed with CHARGE, do have hearing loss. The NICU nurses at Children's placed a tv beside Ashley's bed so that she could watch cartoons (which she LOVED). If the cartoons were on, she pretty much ignored all visitors. One day I decided to try an experiment to see if she could hear. I turned the volume wayyyyy up on the tv (and got in trouble for doing so... lol) and she broke out into a huge grin. That when I knew, she could hear but not very well. Those were her best days. She was on oxygen pretty much her whole life but at this time it was just a mask. She had other defects diagnosed such as reflux between her bladder and kidneys, as well as an esophogeal defect that caused her to aspirate when she took a bottle. She ended up having a g-tube placed for her feeding which resulted in somehow throwing her sugar out of whack. The only solution for controlling her sugar was to place her on a feeding pump to feed her continuously. She had a biopsy done of her liver (though I can't remember why at this time) but it came back normal. Her heart became more and more strained over time trying to pump oxygenated blood through her system and the neonatologist at Children's decided it was time to transfer her back to the "other" hospital for her heart surgery.  We were very unhappy but as this hospital was supposed to be one of the best in the country for heart issues, we agreed. She was back on the ventilator by the time she was transferred - little did we know, this time for good. They did a cath and reported to me that her arteries had indeed grown slightly. I was told that she would be transferred to a hospital in San Francisco for her surgery. At this point, I was being given conflicting stories from the nursing staff. Some of the nurses said she had an infection that had to be treated before we could set up transfer. Other nurses said she didn't have an infection and that we were just waiting for the other hospital to set up the transfer. To this day, I don't know who was telling me the truth or if either one was the truth. On June 12th at around 1:00 am, I received a phone call. I knew immediately it was about Ashley. At this point in time she had swelled up as a result of congestive heart surgery and was nearly unrecognizable as a baby much less as my beautiful little girl. She was miserable. She was in pain. I was in denial. I actually prayed to God about a day or so before that He either heal her or take her because I couldn't stand to see her hurting so badly. That phone call was my answer. I was told that she had some bleeding coming from her mouth and they thought her intubation tube may have nicked her throat. I was told that they were attempting to intubate her again but that it was serious enough that I needed to have someone drive me up there. I can still remember every moment of the next couple of hours. I got to the hospital and the doors were locked. I called the NICU and they sent a nurse down to open the doors. I remember the nurse running back to the NICU and I realized this was serious. I remember walking into the NICU and seeing a nurse on top of Ashley's bed performing CPR. I remember thinking oh. my. God. I remember someone bringing me a chair and telling me to sit down. I remember the doctor shaking his head and trying to quietly "call" the code. I remember being in disbelief, being numb thinking it wasn't true, it couldn't be. I remember them taking me to a room and then bringing her body to me finally free of all the wires and tubes that had held her prisoner for so long. I remember looking at this shell thinking, this is not my little girl...  And that is all I remember for the next month. I still have issues with her death. I still have flash backs to that night. And I still miss her so terribly much. But I am so thankful God finally took her home. She would be 11 1/2 years old today. I miss her.

Forgiveness.

I love the tango. Pop.

Lazerus

~ We came home from church last night to find this kitten all but dead. His little body was limp, eyes fixed & very shallow breathing. He didn't respond to any kind of stimulation. He is the runt of the litter & has been weaker and more sickly than the others so we weren't really surprised. Joseph asked if he could pray for the kitten because he felt God had invested the power of healing in him. How were we supposed to argue with that? I told him that sometimes it is God's will that animals die to avoid any kind of suffering. I worked at a vet's office for a while so I was sure that this kitten was going to die. How little was my faith. Joseph sat & prayed over the kitten for several minutes & then we wrapped him in a towel & put him in a box for the night. Roger & I both felt like the kitten would be dead by morning. Imagine our surprise this morning when we woke up to find the kitten up & about, meowing in his box. He still isn't out of the woods but he is headed there. Never say prayer doesn't work.

wow.

ForGiveness

Well, apparently someone has been reading my mail / or blog... lol...

As you all know, I am dealing with forgiveness. Or anger and unforgiveness rather. I went to church Sunday morning expecting a nice sweet sermon dealing with Mother's Day but instead, God had other plans. Pastor preached about forgiveness. Wow, did it hit home.

Why should I forgive?
- Forgiveness brings healing - which I need.
- Forgiveness is for benefit - It's not hurting the person that I haven't forgiven, it's hurting me.
- Forgiveness saves the expense of anger - which I have so much of.
- Forgiveness saves the high cost of hatred - not sure if I would use the word "hate" but pretty close. And if God loves that person and I hate them than what does that say of me? hmmmmm....

How do you forgive?
- Immediately - well, in my case not so immediately.
Still don't really know how to forgive. Pastor said something about not just forgiving part of it but forgiving ALL of it.... Really?? Do I HAVE to? But there is freedom in forgiveness.

Forgiveness is an action, not a feeling. We have to CHOOSE to forgive. Maybe not necessarily Forget. I think forgetting is a whole 'nother topic.

So today I choose to forgive that person. To not speak negatively any more about them. I will write down every transgression this person has done to me and than burn it and give it COMPLETELY to God. Because it's not my role to exact judgment on people. I have my own sins and faults - Lord knows, I don't need anyone else's.

Random Thoughts on Smiley ---

Saw Smiley this morning. For those of you who don't know who Smiley is, he is our local small town character. He typically walks all over town muttering to himself but has been known to carry on an intelligent conversation when the mood strikes him. There are many rumors of who he his and what his story is but I personally don't know which one is true. He is pretty pleasant fellow and if you can get him to sing, it's hilarious (and strikingly good! as the clip above shows).

Today, he crossed the road in front of me. I was a little aggrivated as he was crossing against the light but than I thought, well, it's smiley...

Than a river of random thoughts flooded my mind - What would Sylacauga be like without Smiley? He is getting older and won't be around forever. Will his funeral be a huge one with local government officials even attending the memorial of a beloved small town character? or will be a small, neglected affair as no one "really" knows him? Will our children grow up and hear us tell tales of Smiley and wish they had had the opportunity to meet this unique individual. The entire thought process left me feeling sad.

So if any of you have any comments about Smiley, or information about him, feel free to post below.

Awesome video. UNBREAKABLE

Whether you voted for him or not.... This is HILARIOUS!

Obama doing Beyonce's moves - Priceless!

Really Really random....

Amazing.

I finally had enough.

Thank You God for bringing me out of such a dangerous situation and giving me the life I always wanted with a husband that cherishes me. <3

Goodbye Earl.

Wish I had had a friend like Mary Ann....

Angry Much?

Some songs that remind me of my anger and my past. Perhaps I should let it go. But how?

anger

so i've noticed a lot of anger lately. i mean, is it really so bad to wish that he gets the crap beat out of him like he did to me for so long? i'm sure it is. it isn't what Jesus would do. i know i need to learn to forgive but i am so angry. i feel like he has hurt my children and it ticks me off. i can't believe i put up with that crap for so long. thank God for bringing me out of that horrible nightmare. thank God for an amazing husband that helps me heal from the past.

Beautiful Feet

For my Friends...

Weird-o

Yeah, I'm the girl who can pull off wearing crazy hats, coloring my hair random color, and act like a fool. And you STILL want to hang with me cuz I'm just that cool!  Mostly b/c I just don't care what anyone thinks. I do what I want b/c you only live once - might as well have fun!

TOTALLY made me want a little lamb... ;)

Pray for us!!!

Today I have a meeting. Husband and I have found the "perfect" home for us and our new addition...Only thing is my credit is bad, His has none. So, I am meeting with someone today to see if they will co-sign with us. Lord, PLEASE grant us favor!!! So everyone, please be praying for me today. I hate asking anybody to help me with anything so this is very difficult for me.

Wow

Wow. That's really all I can say right now. I'm so utterly dumbfounded by your reaction. I can't believe you would rather throw away our friendship than to take a little bit of criticism and correction. And it wasn't even me that was correcting you. Yet, I'm the one left in the end holding all the pieces. And I'm the one that's made to feel like a horrible person just because things weren't done the way they needed to be done. None of it, really, has anything to do with me. Except the hurt when you blamed me for it all. I did not betray you in any sense. I have a job to do and I try to do it to the best of my ability. What happened with you didn't even have anything to do with me. I just happen to the be the scapegoat, I suppose. I guess our friendship didn't mean that much to you. I should have known better, I guess. Stupid me. I'm irritated at how childish and irrational this whole situation has become when it could have been handled with maturity and dignity. But whatever. If you want to throw it all away, I guess you have that right. I just don't think it's fair that you blame me for it. That's all. So I guess this is goodbye.

AWESOME new way to Clean your toilet

How to clean your toilet


This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up

And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.




2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.



3.. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid.


4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.


5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.



6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.


7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.



8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
And run outside where he will dry himself off.



9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean..

Sincerely,

The Dog

BUGS!

This was a random video I found on the web. It's kindof weird but it goes along with our theme today --- BUGS



Olivia had bad dreams about bugs. Then went to the bathroom to use the potty and there was one floating in there. SIGH.

My Random Mind

Betty White



She's awesome- I loved her on Golden Girls but the more I see her in movies, the more I realize what an amazingly talented woman she is. She is so funny!

Health Care Plan - Ok, so what does this new Heath Care Plan mean? I have heard all the legal mubo jumbo and don't understand a word of it. Can ANYONE break it down in plain english? I don't think so...

New Moon - just watched New Moon last night (yes, again) and I am so excited about Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. Having read all the books makes it that much harder to wait. UGH!

Sleep - Did NOT sleep well last night. Kept waking up. It was crazy. Maybe I'm getting prepared for when Elijah gets here... lol....

Cravings - My number one craving right now is Tomatos!!! I stopped and got some on the way home and forgot to bring one to work with me. AGH! Oh well, juicy, red, plump tomatos... mmmm.....

OK, I think that's all on my mind. I think i have it empty now - hah - leave me comments, send me messages, they are always appreciated. AND FOLLOW ME ON BLOGGER.COM. :)

We're having a..........

Well, my blogger friends, we just left the doctor's office. Had a great visit. Got to ask all my questions that I was freaking out about concerning the c-section and feel somewhat reassured. Still not looking forward to it but suppose it's a necessary evil. My prob with not realizing I'm in labor until about 7 centimeters may be an issue but not going to (or TRY not to) stress about that right now. They checked my weight and I thought I had gain like a massive amount of weight. Turns out I LOST 2 pounds. Must say I was tickled about that but my belly is so big that even my maternity pants are too tight (What's up with THAT??). So, not sure WHERE I lost the weight or if maybe their scales are just broken but either way doctor told me not to worry about weight until after I have baby so :)
SOOOOO here's the topic that everyone is asking about. Are we having a GIRL or a BOY??? Had THE SONOGRAM today. You know, the "big" one where they make sure baby has all his/her fingers and toes and the heart rate is good. She let us see the heart beat which was 135 - kind of low for a baby but still normal. Just gonna have a laid back baby (PLEASE LORD!!!). Then she looked at the legs, they were great little legs with little feet on the end. The baby is head down (already???) and at one point the sonogram lady and the baby decided to both push from opposites sides. Baby's knees against Sono Probe - OUCH! I was like wow - that hurt and she said, well, the baby's knees are there so that's why. Hm. Kindof freaked me out a little b/c I have never felt like the baby's bones protruding into my flesh this early. But ok. So, we got down to the topic at hand. She looked and said, I know what it is. We were like What, What? Tell US! And she said You see those two little lines? And we were like, uh, sure, okay. She said It's a boy!!! =) I was like Are you SURE?!? (B/c we REALLY wanted a boy and I didn't want to get all excited - I mean, I would have loved a girl too but I already have my little girl and honestly, I'm not sure she would be willing to share the spotlight...) So anyway, she said it was DEFINITELY 100% a boy. She showed us his little wee wee and everything. He just laid there chillin and relaxing. So we already  had names picked out either way. The girl name we had chosen was Isabella Rain (just for you all who want ideas for your future kids :]) but this baby will be Elijah Rain Martin. We will call him Eli for short. =) Roger was crying the whole time after he heard it was a boy. He is ecstatic! SOOOOO..... Now ..... Who's going to throw me a baby shower???? =)

Oh. My. Gosh. VULGARNESS

I just finished looking through the book It's Perfectly Normal by Robie H. Haris. This book is designed for children ages 10 and up to inform them about their bodies and sex. Wow. This was the most vulgar book I have EVER read in my life. I felt like I had just finished looking at a Hustler magazine. And THIS book is aimed at my CHILD??? I. Don't. Think. So. At one point the book says that sometimes boys touch other boys and girls touch other girls and that this was perfectly normal. Um. NO! IT'S NOT! I am SHOCKED. I can NOT BELIEVE this book exists - wait, yes I can because we live in a society where it's okay for kids to be having sex and it doesn't matter who you have sex with. Just as long as it "feels good". I am disgusted. Really. I don't even know what to say other than I will NEVER EVER buy anything from this author. I'm appalled. Ok, so now that we are all clear on how I feel... lol... I just had to share this. Please leave your comments. Eager to know what YOU think about a book like this.

Fluttering

I have started feeling the baby moving. Finally. Feels like I literally have a butterfly flying around in my womb. Or a small bird. Been thinking about Ashley more and more lately. Suppose its in relation to this pregnancy. Got good news - all the pictures of her that I thought was lost forever, may not be! A friend of a friend (i know i know) thinks she knows where they are and is planning on getting them to me. Praise The Lord! I miss her terribly. It's difficult out living your child. It makes you "different". A part of you doesn't want to be different but you get upset when people forget to count that child when talking about how many children you have or whatever. It makes me angry like, How can you forget Ashley? She was amazing and beautiful and strong. She was inspiring. I find myself complaining often but Ashley never really even whimpered except a handful of times in her 7 months. Usually just because she was hungry. But not when she was recovering from her many many surgeries, not when she was on the ventilator, not when they did a spinal tap, just when she was hungry. To have that kind of strength to not complain because you're uncomfortable amazes me. But she was an amazing child. I still am in disbelief that God chose ME to have her. I wonder if I will see her in heaven? Will I recognize her? Will she love me as her mother? I miss her so much. Do I hold a piece of myself back from everyone because I am so wounded from that loss? I think I do. Even my children. There's a piece of me that's just her's, you know? Because I will never be that person I was when I had her again. The innocence is gone. *sigh* This did not turn out to be a happy blog but I guess I needed to get it off my chest. I miss her. I just want to hold her again. Lord, help me.

New Additions to My Blog

If you will look on the right hand side of my blog, you will see I have added two new gadgets. One is an option to subscribe to my blog without having to come on here and check it. Cuz you know I'm sooooooo interesting - HA!
The other gadget is to help raise money for cancer research. Those of you who know me know I am now battling cervical cancer for the second time. I say battle though really my battle is so much easier than most people who have cancer. I do have to have a hysterectomy after I have this child at the young age of only 32. My first experience was not as non-invasive as this time has been though the treatment (major surgery) is more drastic. So help us find a cure if not find a prevention for cancer. Click on the link and help Stand Up to Cancer!

Thanks everyone.

This song reminds me of someone....

Keep the lies up darling you're keeping all the boys interested because what really lies inside isn't worth the time

You're the prince with stained words painting pictures that don't fit scenes who cares when you had the crowd you always loved the ovations

You were always an addict for dramatics
You were always an addict
But it all fades as the curtain drops and now you're stuck back stage with every backdrop you ever created
You were always an addict

[CHORUS:]

And now you crash through stage exits running down allies that fit you but your following isn't living up to its name cause your crowd is still lost in the stage lights you left behind

Cause princess outside the theater you're hardly worth their time you're hardly worth their time

Rain

It's raining outside. Fitting. Today has been a crazy day. Our road was literally flooded. My son was hit in the head with an umbrella at school by a classmate. My husband is very sick. *sigh* Trying to blog more so as to build up my followers.

Thoughts for the day:

Pregnancy -- Am I big enough to be 17 weeks? Why don't I feel the baby moving yet? Is this normal? Is that normal? Some days I wake up and forget I'm pregnant. Is THAT normal? What is Normal? The miscarriage has got me really messed up and fearful. I over analyze every twinge of pain or discomfort. I know that can't be normal.
Ashley - Miss her so much. Daughter helps bring comfort. Both of my children are amazing and I am so thankful for them. They are not your normal kids either. To know them is to be astonished.
Friends - Come and Go. Some that I thought were so close, have disappeared b/c i no longer fit into their "lifestyle". Other than husband, wonder if I will ever have a best friend. A true friend. Maybe it's me. I am a loner by nature and people in general get on my nerves. Crazy how I envy people who are always surrounded by lots of friends having a great time yet I don't want to be there amongst the people. I would rather spend time by myself or with husband or kids. I'm a dork.
Family - Brother and I are getting closer. Other Brother and I have a unique relationship. We are close tho we don't have to talk all the time. He's  a lot like me. Loner. Sister - Relationship has been repaired as far as I know. It's awesome. Other Sister - hear from her very rarely. Wouldn't say we are necessarily close though it's possible she also is a loner. Who knows. Mother - just don't have the energy. Father (Bio) - Don't have the desire Father - Love him. Always there for me when I need him but doesn't try to push him self on me when I don't.
Husband - AMAZING. Even sick. He is my dream guy and I don't mean that lightly. My soul mate. God made this man for me. I don't always agree with him but he is truly amazing. I love him so much and am so thankful for him.

Ashley

I really miss Ashley today. It has been really hard the last few days. I don't know if it's because I'm pregnant or what but all I can think about is how small and helpless she was and all the pain and suffering she went through. How scared she must have been. I miss her and I wish I could do something to touch her but she's gone so there isn't anything I can do and it's so hard. It's so hard to be the mother of a child who suffered and passed away because there is nothing mommy can do to make it better and that's what mommies are supposed to do, right?

When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands and watch you rise
Chorus

Spread you wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly (Oooh)
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be, so spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
Verse 2

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you're
Ready to land
Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly (Oooh)
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me, we truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly (spread your wings and fly)
Butterfly (butterfly)
Bridge

I can't pretend these tears
Aren't overflowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye (stand and say goodbye)
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly
Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly (Oooh)
Fly abandonedly into the sun (fly to the sun)
If you should return to me (I will know you're mine)
We truly were meant to be (spread your wings and fly)
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly (my butterfly)
Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be (you and I)
So spread your wings and fly (spread your wings and fly)
Butterfly
So flutter through the sky
Butterfly
Fly
Spread your wings and fly
Butterfly.

PAIN

[Written on March 4th, 2010]
  1 Corinthians 9:22
       "To the weak I became weak to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means, I might save some."

   This is the verse that came up when I googled bible verses on compassion. I've been feeling so many different feelings lately. Yesterday I felt a lot of bitterness. Today I feel sorrow. I miss Ashley so much. All these emotions come back to the same underlying emotion: PAIN
   I don't how to let it go - honestly don't know if I want to. The PAIN has been a part of my life, a part of who I am for so long. It's like people expect me to be this wounded animal and I don't know how to be anything else nor am I sure I want to be. God, You try to comfort me but I can't (or won't) let You. Am I afraid? If so, what of? It's not forgetting her because that is something I'm already facing. And what about the other pain? The pain from the abuse? Why can't I let that go? I think it's because I feel justified in that pain. That I somehow earned the right to be angry from the pain and miserary so if I let the pain go, I will have to let the anger go and a part of me wants revenge! To see him done like I was. So Lord, what now?

ANGER vs. BITTERNESS vs. PAIN

[Written on March 3rd, 2010]
  Last night we read some verses (in Psalm and Ephesians) and they really spoke to me. THey dealt with anger which I seem to have a lot of. But HOW do you let go of anger??? Here are the verses:
     "And put on the new nature (the regenerate self) created in God's image, in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore, rejecting all falsity and being done now with it, let everyone express the truth with his neighbor, for we are all parts of one body and members one of another. When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down. Leave no [such] room or foothold for the devil [give no opportunity to him]." Ephesians 4:24-24
    "Be angry and sin not; commune with your own hearts upon your beds and be silent (sorry for the things you say in your heart) Selah [pause, and calmly think of that}" Psalm 4:4
   Okay so I understand it's OK to get angry - the key seems to be to CONTROL your anger and to release it. But I don't even know why I'm angry sometimes. I seem to have a chip on my shoulder.
   Sometimes I feel like I have good reason to be angry BUT that would be dwelling on the past and doing that accomplishes absolutely nothing. Maybe my anger is a result of bitterness. I am very bitter to events, memories, and people. So if that's the case, I need to learn how to LET GO of the bitterness.
  So Lord - I need Your help! I need You to guide me and help me to let go of the 1) anger 2) bitterness and look like 3) pain. Only You can do it because I just don't know how. I'm so sick of myself and my selfishness. I want to be like Jesus and be a light for the world to see. I want to have that gentle and quiet spirit that always seems to be just out of my reach. But it's not out of Yours. Help Me Lord. ~Amen~
  

Just Say NO to SNOW

Soooo, it's supposed to snow tomorrow. Well, isn't that great. We are supposed to be leaving tomorrow to go out of town for our anniversary. Well, I say BOO to snow! I have never liked snow and probably never will. It's cold, wet and messy. There's nothing pretty about it unless you're looking at a PHOTOGRAPH of it and not actually having to endure it.


Okay, so update on everything that has been happening in our lives. I'm now 13 weeks preggers (14 weeks this Saturday which is also our anniversary AND Valentine's Day). I was in the hospital for like 2 weeks because I was puking my guts up and by the time it was all said and done, I was on 5 different medications for nausea. I am not taking anything right now. My appetite is not great but at least I can keep food down. I have lost 20 pounds total. (Which is kinda good thing - I needed to loose some weight) I go back to the doctor on the 19th so will update more on everything then. 
Kids are great. I was horrified when my super intelligent, gifted, amazing son brought home a 66 in spelling. I seriously thought I was going to have a heart attack. Apparently he hasn't been turning his homework in. His tests are all like 95 to 100. Talk about upset. I was. Very. SOOOO, he and I had a "talk" and now the issue has been resolved (*hopefully*). It just upsets me because there goes his honor roll, you know? He is so smart and is in the gifted program. I just don't want laziness to get in the way of opportunities - I know, he's only in 3rd grade, but you know what I mean.
My little diva is doing great. She thinks she is grown and that everyone should take pictures of her. At 3 years old, I have a major diva on my hands. She is doing great in ballet but being the youngest in the class, she tends to try and run the class. ***Sighhhh****
Hubby and I are doing awesome. He is currently on a fast. Our ministry is going great. We have about 110 people come on a given Friday night. on the 26th of this month, we have Teen Challenge coming to do some human videos and testimonies. I am so excited about them coming. Teen Challenge is the program Roger went through and it CHANGED. HIS. LIFE. God uses Teen Challenge for sure.
We will be celebrating our 2nd anniversary this weekend. So everyone have a great weekend, cuz I know we will! ;)

By the way, Check out this link - AMAZING drama team... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XD9G2UHTttg

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Well, happy new year everybody! We had a great time at Intoxicating. Truthseekah, Paperboy, and Tavern did an awesome job and we plan on bringing them back for our Celebration Saturday event which will be held June 5th this year. - Now on a more personal note - i have been sick as a dog so I'm a little worried how its going to affect my new job. Im just going to put it all in God's hands. I had a nightmare last night. The medication my doctor has me on has been giving me crazy dreams. Last night i dreamed my ex husband came after me. It was really scarey. It did show me just how afraid i am of him. Well, hopefully God will deliver me from that as He has delivered me from so many other things. He is amazing. Well, got to go get to work on laundry. Yay.